2005-01-05 - 5:57 p.m.

As I stood on the platform at Hammersmith tube yesterday, there was an announcement over the Tannoy.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are leaving the station, please use the stairs that say ‘Way Out’ “

Thanks in a hamper, The Tube. Because I was on the brink of taking the stairs that say ‘The Earth’s Core’.

Fortunately, you’ve steered me right. But tell me, should I attempt to buy a newspaper from the kiosk that says ‘Newspapers’, or from the junction box that says ’50,000 volts. Danger of Death’? And if I want to catch an Upminster train, should I board a train bearing the destination ‘Upminster’, or should I leave the station and hail a rickshaw bound for the Porton Down biological and chemical warfare research facility?

The announcement heralded a few glances and mutual smiles between passengers.

But it was to be the obvious-stating minions of London Underground that were to have the last laugh.

When I returned, weary, from my shopping trip into London later that afternoon, having picked up nothing but a white t-shirt and a bright pink and grey striped Nigel Hall jumper that is guaranteed to garner derisory comments from anyone fortunate enough to see me wear it, I traipsed up the stairs at Hammersmith to be greeted by a uniformed employee sending me back down to the platform. “Exit by the middle stairs!” he said, despite the fact I have regularly exited via the staircase he was now shooing me back down. They had reassigned the entry and exit gates at the top of the stairs and it was now impossible to leave the station by anything other than the stairs in the middle of the platform. Now, on my way back down, I saw a sign at the bottom of ‘my’ stairs saying: NO EXIT.

Despite my patronising amusement at an apparently redundant tube platform announcement, I had failed to leave the station by the stairs that say ‘Way Out’. What a twat.

Later, I attempted to buy a newspaper and was electrocuted to death.

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude