2005-02-22 - 11:54 a.m.

Britain is in the grip of a food crisis. Well, it’s not much of a grip. More the suggestive caress of a food crisis. Obviously I’m not overly concerned about consuming a colourant used in paint and floor polish - I mean I eat Pepperamis just like the next man. Unfortunately the next man eats them by bouncing on a mini-trampoline and snatching them with his teeth from the feet of a pelican, tethered to a ceiling fan. Perhaps I should consider eating them like the man after that, who just buys them from the BP garage and eats them in a layby. Note to self: don’t mix absinthe and Sudafed.

Nevertheless, I felt obliged to check the list of suspect foods. It’s listed in alphabetical order of supermarkets and starts with a list of dodgy Aldi and Asda products. Surely if they sell it at Aldi, it’s dodgy by definition. Really, the Food Standards Agency should have put a ‘middle class’ button at the top of the page which took you straight down to the Marks & Spencer section.

While we’re on it, what kind of name is 'Sudan 1' anyway? I mean, if you’re looking for suspect additives, there’s kind of a clue in the name. I’m a big fan of Rwanda 5 flavouring myself. And Fallujah X preservative. Very moreish.

Anyway, I’d done a Tesco shop a day or two before, so I shimmied to the fridge like a fluttering wildebeest. This was staring back at me.

Sorry about the focus, it kept fidgeting. So I checked the list. Sure enough, there they are. Items 258 and 259. Tesco Steak and Kidney Pudding, 190g and 435g. Ah well, into the bin with you, my poor unopened pastry-encased frie- hang on. My pie is 250g. And 250g is not on the list. I’m in the clear. Yes, mousemilk, that’s right. Because the 250g steak and kidney pie is obviously made to an entirely different recipe to the 190g and 435g models, you twat. But…it’s not on the list. Why would they have skipped it if it was affected? Yes, all right, it could be ‘an oversight’ if you want to nitpick. Then again, it could be that mine is a pie and the poisoned ones are puddings. But then again again, the only difference I can determine between pudding and pie in this context is the shape and perhaps the type of pastry. Bah. I’m conflicted. Wouldn’t want to throw out a perfectly good pie, that cost me a whole, ooh, about £2. Why spoil the ship for a ha’porth of tumour? On the other hand, am I really going to be able to enjoy it now I know what I think I know?

It’s a finely balanced health equation.

But my hand has been forced. Thanks to my hmming and harring - the bastard is now a day past its eat-by date.

Fuck it. Chuck on a few frozen prawns and some Turtle Wax and it’ll be fine.

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude