2004-06-18 - 6:29 p.m.

A fine piece over at opendiary about perfume prompted my own scent reverie. I couldn�t tell you which ladystinks I like, but I can tell which ones I don�t. Poison, Lulu and Samsara all make me gag like I was sucking off Shrek in a Dean Gaffney mask.

That said, I can�t actually remember what any of them smell like. It�s just that over the years, as I�ve come across the acrid reek of those particular parfums de sewer de Paris, I�ve made a point of identifying them and adding them to my personal blacklist.

Of course, such a list is entirely redundant, as I have no plans to wear female scents in the future and thus no need to know which to avoid. Nor is there danger of me buying these perfumes for a girlfriend. This is firstly because I�ve been single so long that if you say �dating�, I think �carbon� and secondly because any girl who wanted a perfume from the list of shame would presumably already be a user (I�d call them junkies but you have to be so pc nowadays) and so I wouldn�t be going out with her in the first place because, ergo, she would stink of shite.

Scent-flogging site Sephora.com has looked into the abyss to tell us what�s at the heart of these Satanic concoctions:

Poison

Daring and provocative, enigmatic and mysterious, Poison is a perfume with much to say.

A perfume with much to say? No, Poison has but one thing to say. �I�m repulsive�.

Dazzling with its spicy heart notes, Poison's message is seductive and perhaps even troubling.

Girls, steer me right on this one - is �troubling� a big seller when it comes to ladysprays?

�I�m looking for some perfume.�

�Certainly madam. Let�s see. Something nice and light?�

�Mm, not really.�

�Ok, something a little more sensual and exotic?�

�I was thinking more-

�Classical, floral?�

�-upsetting.�

�I�m sorry?�

�A perfume that�s troubling. That conjures feelings of nausea and ill-ease. And perhaps prompts fist fights and miscarriage?�

�I see. Would it help if it stank like shite?�

�Now we�re cookin� with gas!�

�One moment, madam. I have just the stuff.�

Notes:

Wildberries, Opoponax.

Style:

Provocative and daring an invitation too tempting to resist.

�Oh, there is one thing��

�Yes, madam?�

�I don�t want anything too�opoponaxy.�

Sadly no sephora.com entry for Lou Lou, but not to worry, they serve up some primo pseudo dogplop on Samsara:

Samsara

Jean-Paul Guerlain was so moved by a woman whose inner beauty evoked a serene sensuality, he created a perfume just for her - Samsara.

If only he had created a perfume just for her, eh fellers?

A fragrance that embraces and intoxicates,

Yeah, like gin,

it is a seductive oriental made for a woman who conveys harmony and spirituality.

�Say Lenny, wanna write some copy for the Samsara blurb?�

�Uh, Is it ok if I just cut up the contents of three fortune cookies and randomly stick the words together?�

�Duh, I guess. Look, I can get five paperclips in my nose. �

Jasmine combines with the warmth of sandalwood, while powdery and vanilla notes magnify this blend.

Ah, shut the hey up. You know, for years I genuinely mistook Samsara for body odour. I suggested to my then girlfriend that her stepmother had a significant personal hygiene problem. �Oh that? No, that�s her Samsara�, she explained.

Notes:

Jasmine, Sandalwood, Rose, Narcissus, Vanilla.

Are you still talking? See, I keep reading that list back and forth but for some reason the words �tramp socks�, �residential care home carpet� and �used baby wipe� have been omitted.

Style:

Envelop yourself in this spellbinding and harmonious aura

No.

Of course, now you know how strongly I feel, you�ll want some advice on which aftershave to buy me as a token of your lifelong devotion and commitment to my service. Well, to tell you the truth, I have a bottle of Escape by Calvin Klein. I bought this bottle, by my reckoning, almost ten years ago. It is still 90% full. Do you think maybe I use it a bit sparingly? Really? Doesn�t everyone apply aftershave in three nanolitre doses via micropipette?

I notice there�s no best before date on an aftershave bottle but you�d have to reckon the attractive power of my 94� vintage Escape is somewhat past its fruity zenith. The stuff still smells like it�s supposed to, if you�re interested, but the scent just seems to fade really, really quickly. I don�t think there�s any other side effects to wearing decade-old aftershave. Although it might explain why all those cats follow me to the bus stop.

Mousemilk�s List of the Day

Perfumes rejected at an early planning stage:

1. Witchpiss

2. Menstrual Fox

3. Vagrant

4. Gastric Moon

5. Eau de Commode

Add your suggestions!

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude