2004-07-03 - 1:10 a.m.

Why do I take less time to check in than everyone else? What is there to discuss?

From a child�s perspective, nothing seemed longer than a transatlantic flight. The sheer interminability of such a long journey was almost impossible to comprehend. This sense resonates into adulthood and somehow even now I subconsciously calculate that on a trip like this I can readily accomplish all kinds of tasks for which I have otherwise failed to find time.

Make my list of places to visit, people to contact. I�ll do it on the plane.

Write a play. I�ll do it on the plane.

Introduce a low-cost irrigation system to the western plains villages of Malawi. I�ll do it on the plane.

What I actually did on the plane was feel aggrieved. Aggrieved by the domino theory design of the seats � when anyone puts their seat back, the passenger behind them is obliged to do the same and so on. I have a bad back and find it uncomfortable to put my seat too far back. So when the person in front of me put their seat back, I had to put up with it instead of paying it backward. This meant the screen inset into his headrest was so close to my face I could better smell the movie than watch it. It also meant the tray table projected so far into my rib cage that to eat I had to adopt a position that made it look like I was engaged in method research for a film called Thalidomide Dinners.

I am scared of the toilet flush on aeroplanes. The sudden hellish rushing roar as air and matter is sucked out the tiny toilet capsule is terrifying. Fortunately not sufficiently terrifying to make me shit myself, for that would prompt a tragic vicious circle.

Next to me is a man who speaks little English. The earphones provided for enjoyment of the inflight entertainment are of no use to him. So he soundlessly watches a few scenes from a nature documentary before turning to the I-map, an animated map on which the position of the plane is plotted during the journey. He is transfixed. I watch the Woody Allen film Anything Else in which it is Jason Biggs� turn to play the character Woody Allen is too old to play. Some two hours later after the film I glance at my neighbour�s screen.

He is still watching the I-map.

I consider saying �It lands in New York�, but don�t want to spoil the ending for him.

In the New Paranoid Era, I am pleased to see that some things remain the same.

C is undoubtedly my favourite, although I�m surprised terrorism has not yet warranted a letter of its own, with the question:

Are you or have you ever been a boggle-eyed, wailing towelhead, hellbent on destroying the free West in the name of your godless cult; have you been involved in doing funny squiggly writing; do you look different to me?

Three cheers for: Have you ever been involved in espionage? I�m guessing that if you tick yes for that one, you missed the introductory seminar at Spy School.

I consider calling the stewardess over, pointing at the second line and asking, �How many dead counts as genocide?�

but fear she will punish me by sending me to the toilet and flushing it over and over and over.

MOUSEMILK�S LIST OF THE DAY

Questions they should ask on the Visa Waiver form:

A. Do you own or have you ever owned a Stereophonics album?

B. Have you ever actually phoned in to vote someone off a reality show?

C. Are you still amused by the phrase �Ten of your Earth minutes�?

D. Are you impressed by the speed at which certain makes of car can accelerate from 0-60; do you buy magazines with cars on the front; do you discuss torque with men in chinos in the pub?

E. Do you write, read or are you otherwise involved in �fan fic�?

F. Are you the woman who shouted out �We love you Diana!� at the Princess of Wales funeral?

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