2004-09-07 - 5:43 p.m.

My new thing seems to be going for a wee halfway through a film.

At the cinema, that is. I mean, I appreciate that my diary focuses on the trivial but even I don�t consider leaving the living room during a film on the telly to go to the toilet to be of sufficient import to mention it here. I mean, c�mon - hey! Today I forgot to refill the ice tray!!! Guess what?! That odd sock I told you about? The other one turned up inside a pillowcase!?!!

No. Cinema weeing is a deal of much greater significance. There are reasons I don�t like doing it. They revolve around fear. First, I�m a jumper. If something scary happens in a film, I fly out of my seat. Really. If that donkey in Shrek tripped over a log I�d be out of that chair like it was made of snakes. So I think (a) I have a subconscious fear of the consequences of a scary bit happening while I�m on my way to the front. What if everyone sees me jump? What if I fall down the stairs? They will all laugh and point. I also fear (b) missing a good bit of the film. Or during an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the good bit of the film. That should go without saying. Third and most significant, though, is the fear that reaches into some deep childhood nightmare: (c) fear of not being able to find my way back in the dark. Where once that would have been a primal fear of separation from a parent or sibling, now it�s more the fear of humiliation as I = silhouetted moron peering into the auditorium trying to find my friend/coat while everyone watches me instead of the film And laughs and points.

And yet, I find myself facing those fears and making a beeline for the bogs during virtually every film I see nowadays. Again, we can find reasons. a) Visiting the cinema is a far more quotidian experience for me now. More film, less magic. Certainly more utilitarian spontaneity, where once a visit to the flicks was a long-planned awe-inspiring and spiritually transporting event. Now, I go when I feel like it. i.e., for utilitarian spontaneity, read: I can�t be bothered to do any work. Consequently I treat the cinema more like home. b) Films are generally rubbish and don�t demand to be sat through in their entirety. c) I happen to be seeing a lot of films featuring extended scenes of heavy rainfall. d) I am an old man who no longer has full control of his bladder. It doesn�t help when British cinemas see fit to import fluid measurements from the US Department of Obesity, meaning that when I ask for a Junior MicroCoke I am handed a cola lake in a vat the size of the Arecibo telescope.

Next time I polish off one of those drinks, I think I�m just going piss in the cup. Let them laugh and point at that, the strong-bladdered shadowy twerps.

MOUSEMILK�S LIST OF THE DAY

Top 6 Piss Flicks

6. Ryan�s Water

5. The Long Piss Goodnight

4. Todd Browning�s Leaks

3. Urinal Destination

2. Yellow, Dolly!

1. The Micturian Candidate

Add your suggestions!

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