2005-01-11 - 12:47 p.m.

Further to a couple of enquiries and to quell any malicious speculation, here is the Nigel Hall jumper referred to in my previous entry.

Subscribers from The Americas are now doubtless slumping in their reinforced seats in collective comprehension, exclaiming �Gee, he meant a sweadrrr, like, the whole time!� And then saying words like �nightstand�, �pocketbook� and �aluminum wrap�. Well listen here, Brad McYankburger, the day you can start lecturing me about syntax, vocabulary or pronunciation is the day you learn to pronounce �mirror� with TWO SYLLABLES.

closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose, slows breathing.

And relax.

Right. What was I � oh yeah, the jumper. It�s not something I would normally buy in a million years, though saying that, sometime in the next million years we may find ourselves ruled by a race of fashionista robots who outlaw all colours but pink and grey and all designs but the horizontal stripe, and how stupid would I feel then, with my �it�s not something I would normally buy in a million years�, though on second thoughts the �normally� pretty much gives me an out on failing to anticipate the ascent of rose and charcoal obsessed robot dictators, because � and I caution you, reader, that �because� is not about to usher in an explanation of why the advent of a duotone automaton tyranny should be considered abnormal but instead picks things up from my initial assertion that it�s not something I would buy in a million years�pink is not really my colour.

If you rent the dvd of that paragraph you�ll see it actually makes sense. And I couldn�t have been in bed when the engine fell through the roof, because I was tattooing Keyser Soze�s name on my chest so I wouldn�t forget he was really a ghost.

You know when you actually start annoying yourself? Mmm.

Anyway, I bought the jumper precisely because I thought it was something different, a little bit punk couture. Tonight at dinner however, while I ate my sorbet, one of my companions remarked that I looked like a kid out of a 1970�s ice cream commercial. So I snotted on her cheese and biscuits.

What I like about the horizontal pink and grey stripes is that if I was to wear the jumper standing behind a fence made of horizontal slats the width of the stripes, I might look entirely gay. But if I was to crouch down a few inches, I might look like a geography teacher. Up, gay; down, geography teacher. Up, gay; down, geography teacher. Gay�teacher�gay�teacher�gay..(remind me never to write champagne-fuelled entries at1.30am again)..teacher...gay�teacher. You get the idea with that. Though if I was to step out from behind the fence, I wouldn�t look like a gay teacher. What�s that about? Though if someone were to be watching me repeatedly crouching slightly and then straightening behind a fence while wearing a stripey jumper, I might look like an idiot. Though if I- what? A giant spaceship you say? On it�s way, you say? Robots you say? Dressed in all black Issy Miyake you say? Thank goodness I kept the receipt.

MOUSEMILK�S LIST OF THE DAY
Entries less pointful than this one:

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude