2005-06-13 - 6:44 p.m.

This just in! Raisins are great!

Yes! Raisins contain chemicals that fight the bacteria that cause tooth decay! Great! Any concerns you may have had about the dental health implications of extreme raisin consumption have now been allayed! Buy more raisins!

This is all very well until the end of the piece:

The research was funded by the California Raisin Marketing Board.

Might I make a point to the California Raisin Marketing Board? OK. My point is this: Fuck all the way off.

The �news� is full of this kind of evil and I really hate it.

It is not news.

It is advertising.

Why is it in newspapers? Why is on the TV? Because it�s easier than finding real news, perhaps. But it�s inherently wrong. As if the California Raisin Marketing Board (mascot: Ronnie Raisin. Probably.) would forward any other kind of survey results to the press.

Pollwhore Research: Hello, is that the California Raisin Marketing Board?
CRMB: Surely!
Pollwhore: Is Ken there?
CRMB: No, Ken�s at Dry Fruit Expo �05.
Pollwhore: When will he be back?
CRMB: Supposed to be Friday, but if he hooks up with those lunatics from The National Prune Association, you can bank on the mother of all Lost Weekends. Those guys are animals. Can I help?
Pollwhore: Oh, yes, it�s Alan Twat from Pollwhore? You commissioned us to research the dental health implications of raisin consumption?
CRMB: Oh yes, of course. You�ve got the results?
Pollwhore: Yes. We ran and re-ran the tests. And we kept cross-checking the data...But we always got the same results.
CRMB: Mich are?
Pollwhore: Sorry?
CRMB: Sorry. I had a mouthful of raisins� Which are?
Pollwhore: Oh. Well, our tests demonstrate conclusively that raisins are really unhealthy.
...
CRMB: Sorry?
Pollwhore: They�re actually quite dangerous, cause oral damage, increase the risk of heart disease and can even kill.
CRMB: Right.
Pollwhore: What do you, er, want to do?
CRMB: Well, we�d better forward the results to the press.
Pollwhore: R-really?
CRMB: Oh yes. We commissioned your work in order to inform the public of the health implications of eating raisins, come what may. Not simply as a facile device to allow the media to present any convenient health benefits as �news� and thus SELL MORE FUCKING RAISINS or anything.
Pollwhore: All right, don�t shout.
CRMB: Sorry, it was the man who writes this blog. I think he�s realised this imaginary dialogue is already overlong and was looking for a way out of it.
Pollwhore: But we�re still talking.
CRMB: Yes, but if w- agh! My heart! The rais-
�.
Pollwhore: Hello? Hello?

You see, friends, the papers are full of this stuff. Some time ago, the benighted bottom-feeders whose mark of the devil reads �PR Executive� realised that commissioning surveys � and much worse, polls � was an easy way to get their paymasters instant press coverage. This is why you see �news� �stories� about �What the way you squeeze the toothpaste tube reveals about your sex life!!!� and �The Crisp Flavour Map of Great Britain!!�. I�m not telling you anything you don�t already know, but let�s face it, it�s easy to get caught up in �What your choice of carpet says about you!?!!!??!!!�, fail to register that the whole thing is a piece of arrant wank placed in the tabloids by some cocksmokers at the British Carpet Council, and forget that buying a wool-mix Axminster doesn�t mean you�re a marmite-loving babykiller, simply that you happen to fucking like wool-mix Axminster.

Stay vigilant.

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude