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2005-11-11 - 3:00 p.m.

Quick boys, gas!

I rang British Gas, so that they could have the pleasure of confirming that my leaking radiator isn't insured on my Three-Star Cover policy. I have the most basic cover, which begs the question of what exactly is covered by One- and Two-Star Cover. After all, having looked at my policy, it seems that Three-Star cover doesn't include any electrics, or radiators, or any part of the central heating system. In fact all I appear to be covered for is damage to the transfer-on lettering of the words 'British Gas' on the front of the boiler. As long as it's not one of the vowels.

Inevitably, I got a recorded message. Unexpectedly, it was this:

"Hello and thank you for calling British Gas. We are currently observing a two minute silence in remembrance for those who died in the two world wars and other conflicts. Please call again later. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause."

Now I've heard some excuses...

I actually felt there was something slightly accusatory about this message. As if British Gas were admonishing me. "Hello and thank you for calling British Gas. We are currently observing a two minute silence in remembrance for those who died in the two world wars and other conflicts. Why aren't you? We'll tell you. Because some trifling domestic heating issue is obviously more important to you than honouring the dead of two world wars. If it wasn't for whom, let us remind you, you wouldn't be calling British Gas today, you'd be calling ReichGazArbeiten or something. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause, you Quisling rat."

Well first, if you're honouring the war dead, why don't you make it easier for us to join in? A simple:

"Hello and thank you for calling British Gas. Please join us in observing a two minute silence in remembrance for those who died in the two world wars and other conflicts. To honour the dead of World War I, press 1. To honour the dead or World War II, press 2. To honour the dead of The Falklands, press 3. For all other conflicts, please hold." [hold music: lounge version of Paper Lace's 'Billy, Don't be a Hero']

would suffice. And secondly, this all happened at around 10.50am. The rest of Britain was observing/failing to observe a silence at 11am. Who said British Gas could remember early? Perhaps it was a special commemoration for the good men who went down in the Great Gas Wars. This is when I began to wonder if the company weren't using this is a scam to cover a mass fag break. A suspicion that were strengthened when I got the same message about five minutes later. Obviously British Gas minutes are three times the length of human minutes. Which would explain the time is takes for their fucking vans to arrive when I'm supposed to be going out.

I called again five minutes later. I now got the normal Press 1, Press 2 announcement, but after a few seconds this was interrupted by:

"This is British Gas. We are unable to take your call at present as we have evacuated our office. Please call back later."

Clearly, someone had found the Emergency Messages function on the British Gas phone system and was now cycling through the options for his/her own amusement. I was tempted to ring back ten minutes later to see if they were playing:

"Thank you for calling British Gas. We have fallen through a time portal, are currently enslaved by the Grand Vizier Imhotep and are engaged in the construction of the Pyramid of Djzoser. Sorry for any inconvenience."

But I didn't. I did what I should have done in the first place and rang a plumber.


How am I driving?
2 pennyworths so far

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude



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