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2005-11-30 - 6:37 p.m.

Your Fire is Important to Us

This. I mean, really.

"We made a decision to invest in quality training to develop understanding of customer needs."

Yes. Because you wouldn't want to lose customers, would you? Emergency services is such a competitive industry. "Well, I used to call 999 for all my choking infant/burning shed/strange man in my attic problem resolution needs, but I noticed they were getting a little short on the phone, so now I use 777. I find them much more amenable."

Who, in the name of Nana Moon, gives a toss if the operator says can or can't, welcome or hello? If I'm calling 999, I don't care if the person on the other end is providing a customer-focused service, I just want to know when the fucking ambulance is going to arrive and someone's going to get my cock out of the hoover.

Good God, imagine privatised emergency services. Imagine dialling 444 to report a junkie having a dump in your recycling bin only to discover the operation's been outsourced to Bombay. It's get so competitive, they'd probably start cold-calling, ringing you at inconvenient times on the offchance they'd caught when you were on fire.

I've only called 999 once. Actually, twice. Once I did it accidentally when I was changing the batteries in my phone. I sort of had a feeling I'd done it, but then I hung up. And you can't exactly ring back to tell them it was an accident, can you? So I just sort of hoped that their policy was that if someone dialled 999, then there were muffled rubbing sounds, then someone hung up, that they would just sort of ignore it. I mean the chances of me being kidnapped, bound and gagged and dialling the number with my toe after taking two hours to shuffle my chair across the room in a desperate race against time before the weirdo got back with the gloves and cleaning fluid must be pretty remote. Much more likely it's just an idiot changing the batteries in his phone.

But they came round anyway.

The other time, I saw a fire on the towpath as I went over Hammersmith Bridge. I couldn't stop to look properly as I was driving, but I took a chance that it wasn't just someone lighting a giant cigarette or fart. I drove on and a couple of minutes later the fire engine passed me coming the other way. It does make you feel really powerful, you know. I can kind of understand why people make hoax calls.

Have you ever called the emergency services? Did you manage to nick any handcuffs/drugs/hoses when they turned up?


How am I driving?
6 pennyworths so far

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude



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