2004-10-01 - 7:22 p.m.

First of all I read this and wondered what was so special about Odie the Rabbit. Then I told myself to stop mentally rearranging the breaks between words in newspaper headlines because it�s not going to impress anyone, especially women, unless they have a thing for men who exhibit symptoms of autism, in which case they need even more help than I do. So no. There is no rabbit. There is a dead rabbi. Familiarise yourself with the story and we�ll begin.

Let me next draw your attention to paragraph five. Linda Hamilton said she had spoken to her son following his conviction and said he "did not understand" what had happened. Poor woman. First Arnie comes from the future to kill one of her sons, then the other is convicted of murdering a gay trainee rabbi, cutting up his body and putting it in bin bags. Kids, eh?

She said: "It cannot get any worse than this". Well, the family of Andreas Hinz might take issue there, Lindy. And so might your son, after Clayton the 18-stone B-Wing Lifer decides he needs a new bitch.

"On one hand the judge said it was not his fault because he was abused but then he said he can never be released; I do not understand it.� OK, let me break it down, Linda-Lu. It�s not his fault because he was abused, but on the other hand he can never be released because he is a psychopathic killer. If you can get your head round the fact that Arnie is no longer attempting to kill you and your future-resistance-leading son but is now protecting you from Robert Patrick, surely you can break bread with the fact that your other son, whether or not this is the result of childhood abuse, is liable to murder someone to death if he is released from prison. OK? What? No, no, there is no rabbit.

All right: Judge Geoffrey Rivlin QC said McDowell must spend the rest of his life behind bars for strangling Andreas Hinz, sawing him up and dumping his remains in bin bags after he picked him up in a gay bar.

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Come on, you read the end of that sentence as: after he picked him up in a GAY bar, GAY bar, GAY bar, du-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Didn�t you? Shut up, yes, you did. It doesn�t matter that it�s a story about a brutal slaying, you have to sing the song.

McDowell (27), from Greenisland, claimed he was tortured by voices in his head including sports stars Ryan Giggs and Tim Henman. Woah Nelly. I don�t know where to start with that baby. In the name of all that is traditionally evil, please be tortured by the voice of Be-Elzebub, or Aleister Crowley, or your evil stepfather, or Freddie Mercury. But not Tim Henman. What was Tim whispering to the guy, exactly? Even if was the epitome of darkness and corruption, in Tim Henman�s voice it would come out as faintly bland and uninteresting. In fact, if anything, being plagued by the droning voice of Tim Henman actually ought to turn psychopaths away from thoughts or murderous rage and straight into a deep slumber. Tim Henman? That really is a weird pick for evil voice du jour, even for a psycho. It�s quite an appealing idea though. I might egg my neighbours windows and blame it on the voice of Amelie Mauresmo. At least pick a winner to give you your evil instructions. Perhaps our guy just got sick of hearing Tim�s excuses for never getting past the semis of a single major. �Your honour, the seduction and subsequent dismemberment of the trainee gay rabbi wasn�t entirely my fault � the world number 6 and apparent grass-court specialist despite never reaching the Wimbledon final told me to do it.�

What?

No, your honour, there was no rabbit�.

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude