2005-09-16 - 11:53 p.m.

Amazon, oh Amazon. Infallible Amazon. Swiss-watch-accuracy Amazon. Order a CD from Amazon, and as sure as night follows day, The X-Factor follows The Planet�s Funniest Animals and I follow that girl from the newsagent home so I can have a wank in her recycling box�Amazon will deliver.

So why did they have to choose this time to bollocks it up?

I ordered three CDs. Two Monkees ones (�More of The Monkees� and �Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn and Jones� if you�re going to keep going on about it) and a compilation of 60�s garage punk. Anyone who has seen my CD shelves will not live to see the morning. No, wait a minute, that wasn�t what I meant to say. Anyone who has seen my CD shelves will know I already have too many 60�s garage punk compilations. Once you find yourself staring at Mindrocker Volume 11 in a record shop because you can�t remember if you�ve already got it, once you�ve bought all five volumes of Garage Beat �66, one you start ordering stuff from Germany�you�ve got too many 60�s garage punk compilations. So I bought another one.

The thing is, this one�s called �Turds on a Bum Ride, Volumes 1&2�. Now look, I didn�t make up the name. I just wanted the tunes. But I admit, I actually felt slightly uncomfortable ordering it from Amazon. I mean, what would they think? �Hey, Dave,� Keith in the Amazon warehouse would say, �this bloke used to order nice if wilfully eclectic 60�s psychedelia and contemporary alternative rock albums. Now the twisted freak�s ordered something called �Turds on a Bum Ride�. Dave would look up from The Sport. �Turds on a what now? I�m not packing that. Sick twat.�

But order it I did. Imagine, then, my dismay, when I received a package from Amazon containing �More of the Monkees�, �Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn and Jones�� and �Orgasm� by Cro-Magnon. I�ve never even heard of Cro-Magnon, let alone their rock opus �Orgasm�. But the faceless Amazon packing gophers clearly felt one schoolboy-humour-titled album is interchangeable with another. I was faced with a stark choice. Learn to love �Orgasm� by Cro-Magnon, or face the ignominy of complaint.

Here�s the letter I sent to Amazon.

ooooooooooooooooo
One of the three CDs dispatched in this order was incorrect - I was mistakenly sent 'Orgasm' by Cro-Magnon, instead of the compilation 'Turds on a Bum Ride Vols 1&2'.

Perhaps the only thing more embarrassing than ordering a CD entitled 'Turds on a Bum Ride' is having to subsequently complain about mistakenly receiving a CD entitled 'Orgasm' instead of 'Turds on a Bum Ride'.

If only you'd sent me, say, a Gorillaz CD instead of one the Monkees albums, it wouldn't have been so bad. But now I've had to type out 'Turds on a Bum Ride' four times, and it turns out that that doesn't get any less embarrassing.

I will happily return the Cro-Magnon CD as per your instructions and look forward to receiving the other one in its place.

Kind regards,

oooooooooooooooooo

You know, you write a letter like that hoping that some wry Amazon admin worker, preferably quite a fit one with firm breasts and her own flat in the south-west London area, will read it and have their day brightened by the realisation that not everyone who writes to complain is faceless, predictable and humourless. Unfortunately, it turns out Amazon admin are faceless, predictable and humourless.

**************
Dear Customer

Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk to bring this to our attention.

Normally, in such circumstances we would create a replacement order
for the incorrect item "Turds on a Bum Ride Vol.1 & 2 [IMPORT]" right
away, to be dispatched to you as soon as possible at no additional
charge.

However, in this case, because the availability of this item has
changed to 1 to 2 weeks, we were uncertain how you would like us to
proceed.

We would still be happy to arrange for a replacement to be blah blah blah blah. **************

So I prepared to pack up �Orgasm� and send it back. But then I took a closer look at the cover.

CRO-MAGNON ALBUM DESIGN MEETING:

�So, Jim, what do you have in mind for the �Orgasm� cover?�

�Right. There�s a wizard in space, right, except he�s only half in space cos there�s trees and shit and his cape is like the water. But all of that is kind of in space. And there�s these skeletons, right, and they�re in space too, but, wait, right, this is the great bit, they�ve got these like cables plugged into their skulls which connect them to the universe.and that, and the woman skeleton, right�what?�well, you can just tell�the woman skeleton�s right leg is just sort of lying there cos I�ve done it a bit wrong, and meanwhile the bloke skeleton is about to shove a plug up her arse�well, her pelvis..but h-

�Jim, go home.�

�HELP ME FIGHT THE DRUGS.�

Boy, I can�t wait to see the cover of �Turds on a Bum Ride�.

Profilage - Previosity - Nextitude